Abuse Versus Discipline: The Child Protective Services Debate

When I conduct my monthly workshops with new employees, it is my responsibility to ensure that the people in the workshop are familiar with all of the child protective services laws and regulations. Well speaking from the perspective of the facilitator, I have to set the record straight about the Department of Human Services as well as disspell any negative connotations and stereotypes about the Department of Human Services. The Department of Human Services uses the tactic of removing the children from the home as a last resort. Therefore, there are resources that are set in place to assist the abusive parent before any removal takes place. However, what constitutes an abusive parent as opposed to a parent who enforces discipline?
If you grew when during the days of the belt, switch, extension cord, or the family dog or cat was okay to use then maybe you could define as abuse. Abuse is defined as the non accidental injury to a person under the age of 18 to which a bruise is left visible on the body. Discipline is defined as the direction set forth in order to correct or modify a specific negative behavior. How many of us have gone to school with a bruise or two. Now I have to speak from the perspective of a human being and a parent myself. In my line of work, I come across hundreds if not thousands of youths who have been court ordered to come to programs to help modify and correct their behavior. That is the discipline from our part. However, what got them here? I always felt as though that the youths of yesterday as well as the youths of today are confused. When a young person is confused about anything, the first thing that they do is lash out at anyone. They have not been taught by the adults of the world about to resolve a conflict by using their brains instead of their fists. Therefore, when they are confronted on the street by other kids, they want to fight or become overly violent. But where does this violence start? We have to remember that children only mock and mimic what they see or what has been done to them. As a parent to my beautiful 8 year old daughter, I have learned that beatings and putting my hands on a child does not resolve the problem. I remember when my daughter was 3 years old. I was in the kitchen getting our dinner prepared when I noticed that she was about to do something out of the ordinary. (As a parent, I still don't know what "out of the ordinary means) I told her to "stop." As any three year old child, she did not listen so she did it again. I immediately went over to her and spanked her on the bottom so hard that she screamed. As I returned to the kitchen to return to the boiling and brewing pots and pans, I immediately turned around to the opening of the kitchen and I noticed my daughter coming at me with a toy in her hand as if she was going to attack me with it. I restrained her hand from committing such an act. However, I had to think to myself, there was a reason as to why came towards me in an aggressive manner. Remember what I mentioned earlier, our children only mock and mimic what they see or what is done to them. At that moment, when I went to bed that evening, after crying myself to sleep about it, I realized that my daughter, just like every child in the world, is a human being. They also have feelings and emotions just like we do. Isn't funny how our bosses may yell at us for not doing right on the job, but we just tuck our tails between our legs like poor little puppy dogs. When it comes to our children at home, we want to beat them down like Kunta Kinte getting his name changed to Toby. The reason why our children are so aggressive is because the adults are so aggressive. The children of the world today are confused.
Do you remember this statement growing up in your household? Check this out. "Now look always remember, if someone hits you, you better hit them back!!!" Do you remember this or a statement pertaining to this. Well I can see why the children of today are so confused. They are confused for this reason. As the parent or caregiver, how can you preach this statement to your children about hitting someone back if they are hit, but when you smack them, hit them with belts, punch them in the arms, stomach, or any part of their precious beautiful bodies from God, they have to retreat and tuck their tails between their legs like little puppy dogs. Think about this before you want to extend your hand to your child at home. Remember funeral directors and coroners are mandated reporters of the Department of Human Services too. Here are some alternative methods to use when you want to discipline instead of abuse:

1. Teach your child to say things in an appropriate manner. (Remember children do what you do so therefore model that behavior)
2. Give your child a reason why they have to look both ways before crossing the street (Telling them "Because I say so!!" is not a valid answer)
3. If your child has to wear their winter coat because it is cold, then so do you. (Telling them that you don't have to because you are grown is not a valid answer)
4. Talk to your children like human beings and not down to them like they are dogs or they are beneath you.
5. Don't use manipulation through the Bible where it says "Honor your mother and father". If that is the case then maybe you should read the book of Isaiah where it says "And a child shall lead them."

In conclusion, from that day forward, I have never laid a hand on my daughter again and we have the best relationship in the world. We learn to talk things out and work them out together. She is a precious gift from God that I want to keep in tact with love and respect not abuse and aggression. Ask yourself this question as a parent. Would you rather have your children love you as their mothers and fathers or fear you like the bully in the schoolyard? Remember don't bring your own insecurities and self esteem problems on your innocent children.

Book Zakia Gates to facilitate workshops about child abuse and child protective services at 215-247-3898 or email her at info@zakiaszengarden.com.